Riddle me this

I reminded someone recently that I am a romantic; after having time to think about this I think that more importantly I should have added that I am an idealist. What I mean to say is that I generally do think well of people, I do believe that people are inherintly good rather than inherintly bad. Perhaps this is wrong of me, but when someone tells me something my instinct is to believe them, no because I am naive but because I don't think words should be empty. When I say something, I mean it, there is no wondering, it's not just talk. Joking aside if I say I'll do something I'll do it, if I say I'll go somewhere, I'm there. Language is the most powerful weapon in our arsenal, and I hate to think that to some it is meaningless.

Ahh well, my feelings at present are hard to describe, and definitely conflicting. I am half agony, half hope. Impatient for time to move faster, yet dreading the time having past and nothing comes about. What should I do? And once again I must struggle between what I want to do, what I should do, and what is easiest. Asking for advice on this score is futile, whoever I would ask, I already know their response. Perhaps this time around I should listen, I should ignore my own feelings and allow myself to be guided by others 3rd party perspectives. Problem is, that wouldn't be me, I've never been able to ignore my feelings, I've never been able to turn them off. So here's to keeping a floodgate of emotions tightly locked. Cheers.

Buckets of fun

It was brought to my attention recently that I never posted the items from my bucket list. It's been 15 months since I wrote it and so far I've only managed to cross 10 items off the list. Lame. Let's see if I can't get a few crossed off in the next couple of months shall we.

1. Skydive
2. Complete an Ironman Triathlon
3. Learn to snow board and ski
4. Play ice hockey
5. Go deep sea fishing
6. Win the lottery - I'll count a $5 win
7. Drive across the country
8. Finish Orochan Ramen’s Special #2 - in honor of my love for soup...and that place in particular
9. Join a rowing club
10. Become fluent in German - Meine Deutsch ist nicht sehr gut
11. Travel the world (at least 10 stamps in my passport) - one down 9 to go
12. Watch the Northern Lights
13. Bowl three consecutive strikes
14. Go horseback riding
15. Get certified as a lifeguard - I feel happiest in water
16. Learn to dive
17. Become a black belt in karate
18. Teach English in a foreign country - this will hopefully get crossed off soon
19. Write a book
20. Get a scholarly article published in a respected journal
21. Obtain a PhD
22. Become a college professor at a prestigious university
23. Live abroad
24. Start a collection - I attempted to collect buttons...it didn't stick
25. Befriend someone you don’t like
26. Learn the names of all the bones in the human body
27. Learn the play the violin
28. Get a job you absolutely love
29. Perform as a street musician
30. Sing karaoke
31. Join a church choir
32. Sing a duet with Chris Carrabba
33. Learn to sing opera
34. Learn how to surf
35. Live in Chicago
36. Learn to ballroom dance
37. Scuba dive in Australia (Great Barrier Reef)
38. Swim with sharks
39. Swim with dolphins
40. Go white water rafting
41. Do a polar bear swim
42. Swim in the largest swimming pool in the world
43. Take a ride in a hot air balloon
44. Go on a canopy tour (zip line)
45. Hike in the rainforest
46. Go gliding
47. Base jump
48. Fly a plane
49. Date someone completely wrong for you - and I'm never going back!
50. Date someone you are only physically attracted to
51. Learn to rock climb
52. Learn to ride a motorcycle
53. Go fire walking
54. Go to the Grand Canyon
55. Break a Guinness World Record
56. Ride the worlds largest ferris wheel
57. Ride the worlds fastest roller coaster
58. Attend every USC football game (home/away) for one season - Go Trojans!
59. Experience weightlessness
60. Go whale watching
61. Go on safari
62. Visit every Disney park around the world
63. Ride all the rides at Disneyland in one day - I've half attempted, the lines put me off
64. Get a dog – lab - My Cooper :)
65. See gorillas in the wild
66. Run with the bulls
67. Watch the Wonderful World of Color
68. Join Mensa - I really think I'll get in
69. Meet the Pope
70. Experience a miracle
71. Be in two places at once
72. Sail around the world - It shall take me a few years but I'm excited
73. Visit the Galapagos Islands, Ecuador
74. Find Bigfoot
75. Take a picture of the Loch Ness Monster
76. Have over 1,000 followers on Twitter
77. Visit the Pyramids in Egypt
78. Visit the Seven New Wonders of the World
79. Visit the Louvre
80. Visit Auschwitz
81. Go to all the islands in Hawaii
82. Watch a volcano erupt
83. Find a sharks tooth
84. Learn to play guitar
85. Be a contestant on the Price is Right
86. Be a contestant on Jeopardy
87. Discover a new insect/animal/flower
88. Find dinosaur fossils
89. Go diamond hunting
90. Visit all of America’s landmarks
91. Run for President - Any sort of president will do
92. Kiss a celebrity
93. Go to Germany during Oktoberfest
94. Go to Brazil during Carnival
95. Attend the Olympic games, both summer and winter
96. Build homes for the homeless
97. Grow lilies
98. Be on a radio show
99. Take up gourmet cooking
100. Paint well
101. Enter and win a photography contest
102. Act in a movie
103. Learn to juggle
104. Solve a Rubik’s cube in under 2 minutes - I'm at about 4 minutes
105. Watch every movie that has won an Academy Award for Best Picture
106. Release negative emotions and limiting beliefs
107. Allow yourself to make mistakes
108. Learn not to take what others do or say personally
109. Become an early riser
110. Maintain a positive attitude
111. Learn how to take criticism
112. Go camping with the bare minimum
113. Get an honorary degree from an Ivy League University
114. Give a commencement speech at a major university
115. Have a street named after me
116. Win a Nobel Prize
117. Make a difference in at least one person’s life
118. Join the Peace Corps
119. Donate a million dollars to charity (anonymously)
120. Start a charity
121. Own a boat - For sailing around the world of course
122. Own a vacation home in the Caribbean
123. Drive a Ferrari
124. Sleep in a castle
125. Own/rent an island
126. Invent something
127. Be recognized as an authority in Psychology
128. Be mentioned in a text book
129. Invent a board game
130. Make a documentary
131. Become a life coach
132. Become a judge
133. Make a YouTube video with over 1,000,000 views
134. Invest in the stock market
135. Become a millionaire
136. Pay back all student loans - sooner rather than later
137. Live debt free
138. Meet someone amazing
139. Get married
140. Raise happy and healthy children
141. Give birth without an epidural
142. Meet my great grandchildren
143. Be a foster parent
144. Own a pool
145. Own a house with a large backyard
146. Spend a week at a silent retreat
147. Find inner peace
148. Learn to forgive
149. Learn to live in the now
150. Learn to meditate
151. Get my palms read
152. Sleep in a haunted house
153. Get my aura read
154. Get hypnotized
155. Get my astrological chart made
156. Get a tarot card reading
157. Watch a Broadway Play
158. Watch a Cirque de Soleil show
159. Go to the Kentucky Derby
160. Hold the Stanley Cup
161. Go to the Super Bowl
162. Hug Bobby Ryan
163. Cook an entire Thanksgiving meal from scratch - wow, never again
164. Try Durian fruit
165. Take a 365-day challenge
166. Jump in a pool fully clothed
167. Go skinny dipping
168. Have my portrait painted
169. Learn to do a back flip
170. Get a tattoo
171. Have a signature dish
172. Catch a puck at a hockey game
173. Travel alone
174. Go to the movies by yourself
175. Walk across the Great Wall of China
176. Stand in line all night for a Black Friday sale
177. Learn to sew
178. Watch every Disney movie ever made
179. Live outside your comfort zone
180. Say yes to every invitation
181. Cross items off bucket list
182. Cut hair short
183. Dye hair blonde
184. Perform one act of kindness daily
185. Ride in an ambulance crossed off shortly after writing list, rather scary experience involving my grandpa
186. Embrace spontaneity

So there it is, my bucket list, it's not perfect but it's mine.

I am, I can, I will

I think people often have a difficult time understanding me. I am not conventional perhaps, or others do not see the world as brilliantly as I do and they are jealous. Or it could be the opposite, perhaps I am conventional and boring and people pity my unfaltering optimism for the world. Whatever the case, I do not pretend to be someone I am not. I can't say this is a good or bad thing but there it is. I hardly understand myself, to be honest, and maybe that not knowing propelled me to study psychology, so instead of understanding others better it was an attempt to understand myself.

I told someone today that people never change, I was wrong, what I should have said is people rarely change. I say rarely because there are occasions where people do change, but they have to want to change, and for the right reasons. I should know, I changed. And my reasons for changing are possibly some of the best there are, to be a better person, a happier person, someone who lives in the moment and laughs more than cries. I believe I am all these things now, and I'm not going to pretend like it was easy because it wasn't.

Regardless of whether I've changed for not, I, like everyone, still have faults. I am perhaps too forgiving,  my optimism perhaps doesn't allow me to clearly see reality, and I am my most severest critic. Some may say that being forgiving is something to be admired, others may think me a fool. Some may think that in a dark world optimism is a necessity, and again others may think me a fool. I think that I am my own largest cheering section and  harshest judge.

I don't pretend to make sense, I don't pretend to know all the answers, I don't even pretend to know why I do all the things I do, but I know one thing, I have potential. I really am my largest cheering section, I really do feel that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. Why you ask? What gives me that impression? Well for one I have never disappointed myself, this could steam from either not having truly failed anything OR from being able to forgive myself for my past transgressions. Either way in my eyes I'm winning. So what would you do if you knew you could never fail? Instead of wishing "if only" do it, because like me, you can never fail. You have limitless potential. The world is truly your oyster, do what you will with it, seize the day!

Dreamland

Lately I've been having these dreams about someone I don't want to think of, let alone dream about. The theme around the dream is almost always the same, I want to know why. These dreams shouldn't bother me, but they do, I wake up feeling as if I have been taken back to a place I never wanted to see again. I feel angry, sad, lonely, guilty, ashamed, and resentful. No good can come out of having this person in my dream. The worst part is that the dreams have really come out of nowhere and are starting to increase in frequency; it truly makes me anxious. So I ask, how does someone escape their dreama? How do I avoid this one?

Post mashup

Allow me now to be absolved from all past posts I have promised to write but have yet to find the time/motivation to post.

Second half of 2011 (July to Dec)

After writing the post about the first half of the year, I wrote about my best British friend, Lee. I was rather sad to see him go but it was the very next night that I met a rather lovely man ho has since then stolen my heart. Him and I spent the entire month of July together, and that time remains some of the happiest I have known. After he left I started reevaluating my direction in life, and although always a psychologist, I decided that I wanted to teach, which had always been an ambition of me and began to set that plan in motion. It was a few weeks after that, that I decided instead of staying here and teaching I wanted to go abroad and teach English, as this would not only allow me to help others, it would allow me to travel. In November I cross off an item off my bucket list by cooking an entire Thanksgiving meal from scratch! December was spent dreading my birthday as I thought 25 was the end of the world, where I would automatically start sprouting a few grey strands and the wrinkles on my face were going to start making their stay permanent. I am please to inform you that this has not been the case. I  can honestly say that 2011 has been my favorite year to date, and I am pleased to have finally successfully completed a New Years resolution I set.

A Beatles playlist for 2011

January - Eleanor Rigby
February - Don't Let Me Down
March - Get Back
April - Here Comes the Sun
May - Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da
June - Strawberry Fields
July - Good Day Sunshine
August - All My Loving
September - Help
October - Revolution
November - Across the Universe
December - Birthday

Christmas is going to the dogs

This year for Christmas I got the absolute best present, a puppy! He's was a six week old yellow lab, and he was the absolute cutest little guy ever! Now he is a three month of chewing machine, but none the less I love him all the same. I never thought I'd love a dog so much, but Cooper (official name Admiral John Herrington Cooper) has melted my heart!He's so smart too, and I've already taught him how to sit, lie down, shake hands, stay, and play fetch. I absolutely love my little guy, who I fear when he is fully grown will be the size of a horse.

New Year, same resolution

So like last year, since I was so successful in my resolution, I have decided to let it roll into 2012. I am determined to make 2012 my best year yet! Already this early into the new year, I know that this year is going to be HUGE and so much better than last year. I think it really is going to be a turning point in my life, a whole new book. I think it is very fitting that my 25th year should be a time for new adventures and reinvention. I'm genuinely excited. Here's to the next quarter of a century :)

Forgive me, as what I am about to write I don't expect to make sense. Perhaps it will appear as if I suffer from Wenecke's aphasia or I am trying to be poetic and lyrical like Lewis Carroll in Alice in Wonderland or Noam Chomsky....I am not but perhaps in time my rose tinted glasses will allow me to see the greens of the world a little brighter.

My mind s not entirely my own today, and I cant help but feel like I will not be content until I get this all out. A notebook and pencil are not my allies today and neither are my thoughts.

I'm watching a "Bag of Bones" right now which is an adaptation of a Stephen King book...I'd like to write someday. I wold love to write a book but what kind of book I do not know, I thought a children's book would be easiest....nothing so simple actually.

Pencil block. I wish I could paint. I wonder how I would look as a blonde? I wish my memory was worse. Leopard socks in downtown rain. Why do the British say chips and we say French fries, I know they hate the French, but why did we decide to call them such. What year were they invented? There was that whole ridiculous movement about changing the name to freedom fries. Does art imitate life or does life imitate art, sometimes I feel like I try to fit my life into things I see, rather than see things that fit into my life. If I were to act in a horror movie, I think I'd be genuinely scared. I've never really had a nickname outside my family but at 24 a few people started calling me Ky and a few others Dorothy...odd huh? Fishing fishy fish.

Oy, hello there?

Did I forget to write a post about the overwhelming holidays and how I'd be back when they were complete? Yes? Oh well, I intended to write said post. I have so much catching up to do, basically I have the second half of December to talk about which includes, Christmas, my birthday, my review of the second half of the year, and my New Years resolution for 2012. I can't promise that I will get to all of that since I had a very low key Christmas and birthday (the big 2-5 now). The big news of the year though is that....hmm well perhaps I will save that news for when I write my 2011 second half review. Yes, I think that would be a good idea. Be back soon.